it's the new year already! i'd been meaning to work on this site for a while, but just never got around to it... and then suddenly it was new years and i realized i wanted to write a post reflecting on the year! i'm writing this really late at night but its okay i'll still get it up around new years... hopefully... anyways, this post isn't meant to be a to-do list or write any new years resolutions because i don't like the pressure it puts on me to complete them, but i am just gonna talk about last year and what i'm hopeful for in 2025!

i am in fact starting 2025 with a fucked up knee and my wisdom teeth coming in, but i'm still really hopeful for 2025 and that it will be better than the previous year. 2024 was... hard. i struggled a lot through it and it was probably the worst year for me so far. but that just means things can only get better, right? right? (please be right).

i was incredibly depressed the entire year. the hardest thing i went through was losing my lifelong cat who means everything to me. i lost her in may and still cry most nights. i miss her a lot and have this emptyness in me that i don't really know how to fill. it was hard to be "okay" for a long time, and even now i'm just starting to get back to some semblance of normal. even learning how to get up in the morning without her is hard. it's been incredibly hard to think about how she now died last year... there's not much i can do but just keep going.i've slowly just been learning how to grieve and i'm hopeful that more healing comes in 2025. i'll never really feel "okay" but i hope i can get up in the morning and not... feel such a heavy emptiness weighing down on me. she really really really was my everything. she still is.

honestly, everything else that happened kind of just feels trivial compared to that. even if it fucking sucked i couldn't muster up the energy to even be upset... but i do know that the year was tiring. it felt like bad shit just kept happening. but whatever, it's over now and things seem to be going up.

i'm really grateful to my friends for helping me through the last year. things only seemed brighter because of them and the year looks better because of them. i actually got to meet a lot of my friends for the first time last year in february at katsucon... i'm still so glad that happened. it was a great start to the year! everything went downhill from there, but hey, it was still nice.

those are the major things. overall my 2024 sucked. it was an awful year and i'm just hoping for better. the only "resolution" i made last year (which wasn't even a proper resolution because i wasn't going to hold myself to it) was to start doing things i loved again. to get back into cosplay and sewing for real, to work on art, to try writing again, and to work on this site! i wanted to find passion again... which i kind of did. i worked a lot on this site and while it wasn't as far as i'd hoped, i still did! i rejoined the cosplay community after a 4 year break and started cosplaying kind of consistent again! i did not really start writing or doing art again, but i guess i can work on that this year.

i think the only things i really want to work on this year is to put myself out there more again, start trying again without fear of failure, and continue doing things i love. to not feel so afraid of rejection would be nice. i let that control me a lot. i really want to get better at reaching out or just doing things too. and i want to let myself enjoy things without worry.

although a goal that's more concrete and less an idea is to get through my to-read list. oh my god do i need to get through that long list of webnovels and manga. please. I AM STARTING THE YEAR FINALLY READING THE ORV SIDE STORIES!!

THIS WILL BE ME THE ENTIRE YEAR ->

feels strange it's already been 3 months since i last updated this blog. time moves way too quickly... it feels like both a lot has happened and nothing at the same time.

so first and foremost: i did actually move! i've been busy painting and cleaning, so not everything is fully set up, but god did i miss my bed and having my own space. this is the purple i painted my walls. i'm really happy with it! it's very soft in person and looks really nice. the only good part about moving is being able to re-decorate everything. i hate every other part of moving but i loove decorating things. interior design is my strong suit but only when it comes to making my cute teenage girl bedrotting room.

i really do like making my space my own. i like to personalize and bring life to everything because it feels like putting little bits of my soul into it. i think i'm gonna make a page on here dedicated just to my room when i have it set up again because i wanna share my little space! since it really feels like an extension of myself.

i've been pretty excited about going through my clutter as well. when you're in the same place for too long i feel you just keep things even if you don't really like them anymore. but i'm hoping when i get everything back up i'll really think about what i actually want on display! and hopefully then it'll open up more space in my collection for newer merch. and maybe then i'll actually bite the bullet and order some of my more expensive grails... one day i'll cave and get you 1/8 mdzs scale.

for other things that happened over the last 3 months i didn't update, i entered my first cosplay contest! i really just wanted to test it out and see what they were like. i was really nervous but it was a lot of fun! the part i enjoyed the most was seeing everyone elses cosplays and the work they put in :) and just trying something new. creation is definitely my favorite part of cosplaying so being around others who feel the same is nice! and it motivated me to keep working.

the staff were all really nice and helpful, especially with a cosplay that takes up a lot of room. i'm really glad it was my first one because i don't think i would have walked out with the motivation to improve if it was super stressful. and it being a smaller contest was especially nice because i actually felt i was able to have conversations with other cosplayers during the long wait times and it not be overwhelming. overall everyone was very nice and i definitely enjoyed being in a space that celebrated craft!

my birthday also passed in october. i didn't do anything besides order food in and have some cake. it really didn't feel that special or like anything changed? i've always found birthdays hard either way.

in november i got covid the same week i moved into my new place. which was. something. it was not fun at all. i'm disabled and have a weak immune system so i get sick very easily and it really sucks. by far the worst part was how AWFUL everything tasted though. not being able to eat anything without it tasting disgusting was the worst. and also not having any energy to even get up.

that's really it. i've just been trying to get everything together otherwise. i've still been putting off working on some of my projects but i really need to continue before my deadlines come up. i've also been using coding this site as a way to fill up free time. it's fun! and i'm just hoping things keep moving forward.

my first actual blog post! a lot has happened in my life recently but i don't want to continue ranting about the same things, so i'lll give a quick run down:

i'm in the process of moving. not out (i can't imagine having the income for that) but still moving. i desperately need financial independence but i can't hold a job for the life of me which makes me really hate having bpd sometimes. but i'll hopefully make it to that point some day, and hopefully get a job soon again when my living situation is more stable. i really should get my driving license but i have so much that gets in the way of it (almost all by how difficult it is considering my mental state, but still, it's way too diffficult no matter if the reason seems trivial to others) and it is a bit embarrassing to still not have it at 20. i'm going to try to go back to school because i really do want to go to college. even if i'll never be stable enough, or never be consistent with school, i need to keep making the effort. i don't know if i'll ever be stable with any part of my life, anyways.

i haven't been doing much else new lately. obviously it's a major change to move but i've just been doing the same things to deal with the stress. i've been trying to work on some of my cosplays, but i'm in the midst of a depressive episode & have been really struggling to work up the energy to sew (or do anything really). i bought fields of mistria to play in my free time and i really enjoy it! it's been nice to have something to go to when i just need to free my mind of all other stressors.

i love farming games a lot. sorry for being a cozy gamer. i don't even play that many video games i stick to my visual novels and my few farming games. i am not a gamer. i've been kind of obsessed with this game though and i'd say it's 98% the fault of eiland being in it. i am not immune to white haired twinks (or any twink with a lighter shade of hair (*coughs* vincent nightray), but white hair rolls off the tongue better) and he is no exception. i am so obsessed with this twink i need him carnally. his charm of just being cute is insane i am actually cooking in this game which i usually HATE i do not like cooking, video game or real life. but this stupid twink wants his sweet little treats so i go "okayyyy" and make my fruit farm and buy expensive chocolate and cook his little treats. but i need him. look at him. he's perfect. they made this freak specifically to exploit the disease in my brain that loves white hair twinks.

speaking of white haired twinks. it was noe's birthday yesterday! my babygirl... i didn't do anything like i've done in previous years. but i thought i'd mention it because that's my girl friend :)

anyways, i went to the renaissance festival yesterday with my sister! it's the last weekend of this year so it was really busy (or at least busier than the other years i've gone, but maybe i've just chose more uneventful weekends in the past) but it was the only weekend i was able to go because i've been busy every other weekend 😓

i've been wanting to go this year because i really wanted to bring my thistle cosplay. which i did do! i got some cute pics too that i'll hopefully edit quick & post on my cosplay account... but who knows with me. i had actually planned to make a thistle cosplay 4 years ago for renfest when i went with a bunch of friends but i didn't end up doing it bc i was busy with school. so it's kinda like checking it off the list and an "i actually followed through!" by going.

renfest is always so busy but what i like doing most is just walking around and seeing everything. i kinda get overwhelmed by the crowds and everything happening at once so it's more enjoyable to just take it slow and look at everything. i kind of just chill and wander but thats definitely the best part for me. i liked these teacups cuz my stupid autism brain went "this is just like pandora hearts!". xerxes break you live in my brain rent free. either way it was pretty

i took some cute pictures in cosplay at this wall but i also just liked the way it looked so i took a picture of it on its own cuz the cosplay pics i got didn't show it off too well. parts are blurred for other ppls sake but i did spend most my time yesterday in the various gardens bc they were more quiet and i have autism😭😭😭 it was so hot though and i was in a cospay with 4 layers. so the heat was also making me more overwhelmed. maybe not the best decision to wear that cosplay but i had a goal in mind and i was not changing.

anyways i found the tism creature and those jjk gays who are everywhere. definitely felt seen by tism creature after running on 3 hours of sleep overstimulated and in a crowd of way too many ppl. the jjk guys make my angry for other reasons that will not be discused here lest we get into an even longer rant. i didn't take any more pics (that aren't me in cosplay) cuz i kinda was just chilling. i've been really tired lately and needed to get out of the house and do something so even if it left me exhausted after & a little overwhelmed i'm still glad i went this year.

i don't know if i'll go next year, i'd probably have to be invited by someone to even consider it. i think it's fun but not worth the cost for me. at this point i feel like i'm happy with not going anymore cuz i've been enough times to do everything i want to. and i think i'd rather allocate the time & funds to a con.

welcome welcome! you've stumbled across my blog! this is where i talk freely (ok, maybe not super freely because i don't like to overshare about actual important things to the depths of the web. or maybe i do. who knows) about whatever is on my mind. i am kind of scatterbrained though and my writing is not always... comprehensible or coherent, and i don't expect to beta read this blog for readability like i would my other writing, so maybe no one will even understand my blog in the first place to read it. see i just went on a tangent there. you should probably expect that here along with other rants about things that probably don't matter.

what i actually wanted to say was, welcome to my blog and i hope you like my rambles! if you for some reason want to know more aout me and my life, this is the place you're looking for.

i feel really good about this page, actually. i think it's sauuuuur cute and perfect for my blog. i sometimes struggle to make pages because i feel like i have 2 (sometimes 3-ish) conflicting aesthetics and i never know what to go with or if designing a page conflicts too much with the overall site theme. i associate blue with myself though (even if it's not my favorite color) so i think this page has the right balance of embodying myself, having it's own unique feel, while also still fitting the overall site theme well enough!

i suppose i should give a few disclaimers before i go on about the actual content of this post: i don't exactly know what i expect to post on this blog, but i'll (hopefully) give a proper trigger warning before talking about potentially triggering topics. i am very forgetful though, but i'll try my best.

i kind of just wanted to use this blog post to make plans for my site LOL. i've been really on the site grind recently so i've been trying to push out more updates. i finally remade my homepage with the html and css knowledge i picked up over time of running this site. i literally started this site knowing nothing besides having edited my tumblr theme in the past so my old index page was saur bad. i still need to fix a few widgets on the page that i didn't want to spend time rn figring out how to code, but otherwise it's done! i like it a lot and think the theme fits until i wanna remake it.

i don't even have all the "important" pages done on this site. i'm slowly working towards it but i really want to get the site in a place i feel good about. these are my plans for pages that still need to be made that i think are more crucial to the site's existence:

• AN ABOUT ME!!! i need to make an about me desperately. i've only put it off this long because i can't think of a layout that properly embodies who i am!!! i am a bit particular about that but i want my page layout and site in general to reflect who i am.
• pandora hearts page considering it's the entire basis of this site i really really really need to make both a "landing" page for the entire pandora hearts section i want to make (that will hopefully have a bunch of info about it + some resources!) and a proper shrine to the series. i want each mochijun section to be like a fansite in itself. then i want to make shrines for each character. i also want a specific page/blog sort thing to ramble specifically about pandora hearts but this might be it's entire own site, in which case i'll set up an rss feed. but i need to at least make a page that explains pandora hearts because i NEED!!! to spread propaganda. and it's essential in my mind to the site & understanding everything about why i chose this theme...
• vanitas no carte page same thing, less emphasis because i didn't them the site around it (although there's still little references here and there bc mochijun works are all connected). i plan to also having a vnc "landing" page with some info and an explaination on it as well. and a shrine for the series & each the characters. noe gets his own site though.
• and now that i'm thinking about it... crimson shell shrine. i might do the fansite thing as well for crimson shell but i at least want a shrine for it & the characters as mochijuns first work.
• a mochijun page! basically, a thank you page to mochijun. i'll link back to it on each section of the mochijun works shrines so i think it's important to work on sooner than later.
• review page i've been watching more anime again recently so i want to make this page so i can have a place to share my thoughts (because i have a lot). as of now the plan is to have the option to choose between anime & manga, and then see reviews of either one, so i don't just lump them all together.
• favorite characters page i really need to make a page with (almost) all my favorite characters. probably just the ones of note actually but i need to make it because it's been too long without one
• yume page i should probably make a yume page too now that i'm thinking about it. this will overlap with my favorites but i do not yume all my faves so i can make it different enough to warrant a page
• current projects i want a place to share the creative things i'm doing & learning so i need to make a page for all the projects i'm working on. i think it'd be nice to have a space to update on my sewing & anything else i'm learning

as for the pages i've technically already made but hate the way they look or otherwise think they just need an update:

• THE SITEMAP i hate the way it looks and literally only made a quick page so i'd have one bc i was starting to make pages that weren't on my navi bar (as i don't want to clutter it too much with pages that are connected to other ones). since i think this page also should embody the soul of my site i really need to redo it to properly fit the theme
• oshi page i need to change the order of some things in here and the page needs to be redone completely. the theme isn't too bad but i have a different idea in mind that i like more and it also kinda looks ugly rn bc i didn't really know what to do

i've already updated and fixed the codes on the other pages that are done. and it's certainly a task because lord did i not know anything about anything... my code is still messy but it was way worse before.

the last bit of site plans i want to lay out is the shrines i want to make. everything else i've already said is always subject to change, and i'll certainly make more sections as i think of more, but the shrines section is especially subject to change. but these are the shrines i currently have floating around my head:

• vincent nightray i don't actually want this to be a section on my site but it's own site. because i like this guy a little
• noe archiviste same as vincent one. i'm gonna make him a site at some point
• SHIPS sections dedicated to ships that make me ill
• renheng actually i only made this section for them. they've changed my brain chemistry a bit and i'm ill about them so i need a section dedicated to them
• yoohankim they have ruined my life enough to deserve it
• FAVES/YUME i kinda already mentioned this before but i want individual shrines linked under each section. so this is more for organization of this list
• dan heng MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE I NEED HIM I NEED HIM CARNALLY. AND I NEED A PAGE FOR HIM.
• MOUCHE i need a mouche page. so bad. i love this fucking twink.
• atsushi MY ORIGINAL BABYGIRL. i still love him a lot like so much soso much even if i HATE bsd
• kim dokja i hate this twink.
• i specifically didn't list any pandora hearts/vnc characters (besides the ones that get their own site) cuz of the plans i mentioned earlier!
• ORV to my fave novel that ruined my brain and my life 💔
• dunmeshi i love this series so much it really deserves it's own page. with little sections for the charas as well
• BSD my stupid fucking autism manga that i hate so much i hate with all of me that deserves it's own section
• genshin not really a shrine and moreso info about my account but i don't have anywhere else to list this. i def want a place to show off my characters though!
• HSR same as genshin

otherwise i just want to spruce up the site. maybe make some links a different color. make change the shades of some things. maybe add some code to make a few things look better. but i feel good about it right now! i'll probably come back to this entry once i complete some of these things to mark them off, so if you see that, know i finished that goal! i didn't mean to make this a to-do list, though, more just give you insight into my site plans that i have stored in my brain.